You’re not hurt
You’re just angry you trusted him again
You’re angry you let your heart get to a place of vulnerability
You’re angry you started holding on to nothing
Depending on his presence even if he wasn’t yours
You wish there was a way to shut off your heart but it’s a little more complicated than that
You’ve felt this emotion before
You know it doesn’t last forever
Just remember holding on to nothing is never a good way to support yourself.
You’re afraid of trust. The trust placed in your hands by the soul that opens up to you and depends on your words to stay strong and not give up. The trust you place in the hands of the person with the listening ears. You’re afraid that trust could be betrayed, maybe you’re not strong enough for that responsibility or that listening ear has an ulterior motive. You’re afraid you could be right or your mind might just be playing tricks on you.
You’re afraid to open up. As transparent as you’d like to be, you fear that transparency will cause people to take advantage of your weaknesses and you’d have no control over the pain that would cause. You only peel off a few layers because you find strength in the ones you’re holding back, the ones you believe give shelter to that part of your soul that’s the most fragile. You lock up because you believe pain can’t get in that way.
You’re afraid to love. You’re afraid to love yourself completely because you want to give someone else the opportunity to. You’re afraid to love another because you feel you love too hard and you’ll push them away or they’ll break you. Maybe they can’t stand the kind of love you bring or you can’t offer the kind of love they need. You’re afraid you don’t understand the word ‘love’ as much as you let yourself believe you do or maybe you just can’t handle it if you really begin to feel it.
You’re afraid to live. You’re afraid to let go of the past because it moulded you into who you are. You’re afraid to think of the future because you don’t want to be disappointed. In between juggling those, your biggest fear is really just living. Living in the moment, exploring the ‘now’, taking it in and appreciating it for all it really is.