With the silence,
The loneliness starts to creep in
Irrelevant, inappropriate thoughts
A little anxiety
And the next second,
You’re drowning in pain of the past
It’s so hard to forget, I know.
Close your eyes and tomorrow will come
You’ll be ok.
This time of the year usually forces me to sober reflect. I think of the joys, the tears, the moments I wish lasted a little longer, the mistakes I wish I stopped myself from making, places I wish I saw, the people I learned to love a little more and the people I lost. I think of the decisions I made and their consequences, how different the outcome would have been if I stopped myself from making those decisions.
I think of the words I stopped myself from saying, emotions I stopped myself from expressing. I wonder if fear was the driving force or if I just saved the next person and myself from a little hurt.
I think of my life goals and the steps I’ve taken towards achieving them. I think about the people that lost sleep on the nights I felt were right to rant about my problems. I think of the tears I shed and the shoulders that let me lean on them. I think of how good a friend I was and how available I made myself to the people I love and care about.
I think of ways to be better. A better daughter, sister, friend, confidant, companion, listener and most of all, person.
I acknowledge that I’m not who I used to be, I see the growth in myself. I try to learn from my mistakes and not dwell on them.
At the end of the day, I’m grateful for all the peaks and valleys that shaped the year into everything that it was.
Sometimes, life presents us with obstacles and having to voice all our little mixed feelings doesn’t really come easy. For me, that’s when I write. It’s been a year and I can’t believe it cause I didn’t think I’d last 2 months but I’m grateful. Grateful to have a platform where I can express myself and not be judged. Grateful to be able to get people to think, address their innermost thoughts that they always shield the world from, let them know they’re not crazy for having them and they’re certainly not alone. Grateful for everyone that believes in me. Means a lot. Hope to accomplish a lot more over the next year and years to come.
When these nights get long and nothing else makes sense, I just bow my head and pray for strength to stay grounded and not be pulled down by exhaustion and frustration. It takes a lot to still keep my head up these days. Forever grateful and thankful for the gift of life, grace and mercy. What am I without God? I have no strength of my own. The fact that you still see a smile on my face is his doing. He keeps guiding and protecting me. He has plans for me and I don’t fail to acknowledge the fact that these plans might not always be in line with my thoughts and wants. Yet, all I want is for him to take full control of my life and never let go. When every man fails me, I’m so thankful that I still have him to turn to.
So much has happened this year; taking time out to sit and consider the odds just weighs me down and drains me. I’ve decided to shake it all off and appreciate today and the future I still have. Nothing is impossible.
The moments we forget about our struggles are the happiest ones. Don’t let your problems cast a shadow over your life. The findings of yesterday might be the reason why today is so blurry. Should you also let tomorrow go by the same way? The change you make today automatically changes the outcome of tomorrow. Does your future have any significance to you? Do you think so much about it that you can’t even understand your thoughts anymore? Maybe you’ll end up along the line of your thoughts. Maybe not. You’ll never understand God’s plan for you until you actually let him take control. He’s the author and finisher of our faith so why not let him take control? He’ll make a way obviously. All you have to do is believe. Never try to plan or go ahead of God. You’ll always take the wrong turn when you rely on your own understanding.