Thoughts.

This time of the year usually forces me to sober reflect. I think of the joys, the tears, the moments I wish lasted a little longer, the mistakes I wish I stopped myself from making, places I wish I saw, the people I learned to love a little more and the people I lost. I think of the decisions I made and their consequences, how different the outcome would have been if I stopped myself from making those decisions.
I think of the words I stopped myself from saying, emotions I stopped myself from expressing. I wonder if fear was the driving force or if I just saved the next person and myself from a little hurt.
I think of my life goals and the steps I’ve taken towards achieving them. I think about the people that lost sleep on the nights I felt were right to rant about my problems. I think of the tears I shed and the shoulders that let me lean on them. I think of how good a friend I was and how available I made myself to the people I love and care about.
I think of ways to be better. A better daughter, sister, friend, confidant, companion, listener and most of all, person.
I acknowledge that I’m not who I used to be, I see the growth in myself. I try to learn from my mistakes and not dwell on them.
At the end of the day, I’m grateful for all the peaks and valleys that shaped the year into everything that it was.

When?

 When tears dry,

When sorrow overwhelms the surfacing joy,

When emotions choke on confusion,

When the struggling man can’t seem to live anymore,

When life drowns out the being in you,

When your confidence is nothing but a stranger,

When relationships grow sour,

When friends turn enemies,

When you just can’t take it anymore,

When loneliness becomes your only companion,

When you feel the emptiness of a lonely park,

Crickets,

Racing wind,

Dying grass,

Deeply rooted dented trees,

When you can’t express the frustration you feel.

You are losing grip,

Falling apart,

Screaming for help with no voice.

When the roof comes crashing down,

When you’re fighting for your last breath,

That’s when you know you’re your only hope.