26.

I feel really grateful for the people I’ve chosen to do life with. Every connection is intentional. Intentionality is a part of all aspects of my life. I’m never just going with the flow–this of course is a blessing and a curse. But, these souls I’ve aligned myself with are exactly who I want(need) to journey with. 

I’m grateful for space–to be and become. Space to fall apart and reassemble, to question and be certain, to learn and unlearn, to speak up and hold back. I’m thankful for the spaces I’ve created for myself and the ones that have been created on my behalf. Because life can be both simple and tasking, I struggle to hold my head high at all times. I’m learning to accept the spaces that have been created for me to fall apart. 

As a person, I struggle with asking for and accepting assistance. But life is funny because it has steered me to a place where assistance is paramount for my survival and I continue to do the daily dance of tug of war. I believe I must learn the lessons of this chapter to thrive in the next but I refuse to believe that I’m being tested because I am strong. I refuse to believe that my willingness to keep going is the reason why the hailstorm won’t cease. 

I continue to push forward, eager to see how this story ends and holding on to those I want on the other side of the chaos. 

Sheltered Demons.

Went away for the weekend, I tend to do that often ’cause I find time away from my regular environment very relaxing. While I was sitting on the train, I couldn’t help but notice I wasn’t the only one. I wasn’t the only one sitting and thinking about where they’d rather be,  impatiently waiting to get to their respective destinations. It got me wondering what everyone was going through in life, the struggles they’re not letting show through, why they’re smiling at strangers like their lives depend on it. Maybe they’re okay and just trying to have a relaxing weekend like me or they’re trying to shelter their demons. Yes, we all have demons, some more than others but we all do regardless. We have struggles we try to hide from the people we come across everyday. Some of us are so obsessed with the idea of being strong and independent that we forget we’re human and it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. I can’t deny the fact that I’m one of those people but I’m gradually learning that letting a few people in on your weaknesses doesn’t tear you apart, it actually gives you a different kind of strength. Strength that comes from a lifted burden. 

I could go on and on about my thoughts during that train ride that seemed to last a whole day even if it was just a couple hours but my thought process was cut short by an unfamiliar voice. Being me, that didn’t sit well with me ‘cause I hate small talk and I felt it wasn’t going to be any different but I gave a listening ear and we had an insightful conversation. This conversation was with a gorgeous middle-aged woman. Can’t disclose her personal struggles but I learnt a lot. I learnt the prettiest smiles hide the most pain, you can never know what the next person is going through if they don’t feel the need to share it with you. I realised being quick to shut people down or disregard conversations isn’t the best. It could deprive you of shared life lessons and experiences. Sometimes, people just need a listening ear. They don’t want much from you, not even a response, just for you to listen. It’s a little less stressful to open up to a stranger because there’s no fear of judgement unlike a familiar face. 

Try to listen more, talk less and be what people need you to be to them when you can. It goes a long way .