You’re not his.

You’re not his.
You’re the one he proclaims his love to while you lay on your back.
You’re the one that encourages him because only you can.
You’re the one he lets cry on his shoulders.
You’re the one he opens up to because you bring him peace.
You’re the one he avoids making eye contact with in public places.
You’re the one he avoids any physical contact with when the blinds are open.
You’re everything and more to him behind closed doors.
You’re not his.

Him.

He’s bad for you, you know
He’ll never be what you want, you know
He’ll never change, you know
He’ll never have your back, you know
He’s still as selfish as he was yesterday, you know
Still, you stay.
Hoping, wishing, praying.
Do yourself a favour and let go.
It’s hard, I know.
One day you’ll have the strength.

Time Heals.

Life breaks us down sometimes and as difficult as that is, we try to convince ourselves we can completely love again with those broken pieces. It’s almost impossible. Time heals and in order to give someone the kind of love they deserve, we need that time. We need to heal, we need to get ourselves to a place where we can selflessly give and hold nothing back. Only pain and the fear of falling back down can cause us to withhold parts of our love.

I’ve learnt that you need to be ready for love. Not to receive it-because the task is not in the receiving-but to give it. To give all you have to give to a deserving heart.

Looking into the eyes of someone you love and making them believe you don’t care just because you’re broken and you don’t want to admit you need fixing before you can completely embrace the love they have to offer without second guessing their intentions is the worst feeling.

Give yourself that time. Nothing hurts more than trying to pull love out of the cracks of a broken heart.

The first tear I shed.

She said to me ‘you’ve never felt pain until you’ve felt love’. She was my best friend, I loved her but she never caused me pain so I thought it was one of her drunken quotes.

Walking through the grocery store as I always did on wednesdays after my media class, searching for ingredients to take home with me to my only love, my kitchen, there he was. Tall, caramel perfection that I had always imagined I’d never find if I remained in love with culinary adventures but there he was, arm stretched out, introducing himself but I was too carried away by my inability to believe the moment. Then I heard “Hi? I said I’m William, you are?” I looked up to the vivid ray of sunlight that were his eyes and said “Oh my god, I’m sorry. Hi, I’m Allison” That was the handshake that changed my journal entries and the way I viewed the world. From that moment, we were inseparable.

Months passed and we fell deeper in love, craving each other whenever we were apart. We loved the same meals, listened to the same artistes, enjoyed to appreciate nature, approached problems similarly. We claimed to love the ease of our relationship because there was barely anything to argue over. It was smooth sailing, maybe too smooth.

It was time to ‘meet the parents’. Of course, I was a bit anxious. I could tell from the way he talked about his family that their love for each other was undeniable. Daisy was the first person I ran to ranting about how I felt. She was my best friend, she didn’t have a choice but to listen and make me feel better about myself. She told me how much William loved me and there was no way his parents would feel otherwise. I believed her and that was exactly how the dinner went. They loved me and I too, them.

Months passed and this amazing bond loosened, I hardly saw William. He was either too busy travelling or too consumed in work. I loved him enough to believe him and be patient.

There’s only so far your patience can take you. I got tired of waiting around for him so I decided to take the bull by the horn.

There I was in my stunning red bandage dress I just bought, a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in the other looking at the man I loved tangled between the sheets with my best friend. After I shed my first tear of heartbreak, her words made sense to me ‘you’ve never felt pain until you’ve felt love’. She was right, I felt my heart shatter in pieces like the glasses had at my feet.

From that moment, pain was all I associated with love. I never wanted to feel it ever again.

Can’t help but feel we could have a little more,
We haven’t explored everything that’s in the cards for us,
Ours hearts haven’t really felt to their capacity,
We still have walls to knock down,
The little stones are still unturned ,
Our love hasn’t been completely defined.

Living for You.

You get to crossroads in life and you need to make a conscious decision to live for yourself and stop craving the validation of others. You need to ask yourself ‘What happens when this person isn’t in my life anymore?’ What would you do with the life choices you made trying to keep that person happy? Nothing. You’re stuck with them. They become your own problem because you didn’t make them for yourself. It’s really scary but it doesn’t have to be. Live for yourself. Not asking you to be self-centered but sometimes, you need to love yourself enough to put yourself first and make decisions you can stand behind in the long run because the people that really love and care about you will always be there, they won’t judge you, they’d support you and your life choices because your happiness is more important to them than what society thinks.

Learn.

Ever feel like you’ve known someone for such a long time that you get too comfortable? You forget to ask the important questions. Forget to find out where their mind is. You just assume you know them so well and you forget that people change, their dreams and priorities change, they grow. Change is inevitable. You need to keep learning about the people you love and what they love because you can lose them thinking you have history and you really know who they are. Maybe you did but have you tried to find out who they’ve become?