Promise and pain.


You’re no longer the calm,
You’re no longer the reason she smiles,
You’re starting to cause unbearable pain,
You promised you’d never hurt her,
Now, everyday she wakes up without a smile.
You can tell she’s hurting but you continue to tug at her heart,
You’re smiling through her pain,
I hope whatever joy you’re deriving from this is comparable to the amount of love she has for you.
Yes, she cries at night.
Yet, she’s loving you through the pain.
You’re so wrapped up in yourself,
You can’t feel her slipping away.

Time Heals.

Life breaks us down sometimes and as difficult as that is, we try to convince ourselves we can completely love again with those broken pieces. It’s almost impossible. Time heals and in order to give someone the kind of love they deserve, we need that time. We need to heal, we need to get ourselves to a place where we can selflessly give and hold nothing back. Only pain and the fear of falling back down can cause us to withhold parts of our love.

I’ve learnt that you need to be ready for love. Not to receive it-because the task is not in the receiving-but to give it. To give all you have to give to a deserving heart.

Looking into the eyes of someone you love and making them believe you don’t care just because you’re broken and you don’t want to admit you need fixing before you can completely embrace the love they have to offer without second guessing their intentions is the worst feeling.

Give yourself that time. Nothing hurts more than trying to pull love out of the cracks of a broken heart.

The first tear I shed.

She said to me ‘you’ve never felt pain until you’ve felt love’. She was my best friend, I loved her but she never caused me pain so I thought it was one of her drunken quotes.

Walking through the grocery store as I always did on wednesdays after my media class, searching for ingredients to take home with me to my only love, my kitchen, there he was. Tall, caramel perfection that I had always imagined I’d never find if I remained in love with culinary adventures but there he was, arm stretched out, introducing himself but I was too carried away by my inability to believe the moment. Then I heard “Hi? I said I’m William, you are?” I looked up to the vivid ray of sunlight that were his eyes and said “Oh my god, I’m sorry. Hi, I’m Allison” That was the handshake that changed my journal entries and the way I viewed the world. From that moment, we were inseparable.

Months passed and we fell deeper in love, craving each other whenever we were apart. We loved the same meals, listened to the same artistes, enjoyed to appreciate nature, approached problems similarly. We claimed to love the ease of our relationship because there was barely anything to argue over. It was smooth sailing, maybe too smooth.

It was time to ‘meet the parents’. Of course, I was a bit anxious. I could tell from the way he talked about his family that their love for each other was undeniable. Daisy was the first person I ran to ranting about how I felt. She was my best friend, she didn’t have a choice but to listen and make me feel better about myself. She told me how much William loved me and there was no way his parents would feel otherwise. I believed her and that was exactly how the dinner went. They loved me and I too, them.

Months passed and this amazing bond loosened, I hardly saw William. He was either too busy travelling or too consumed in work. I loved him enough to believe him and be patient.

There’s only so far your patience can take you. I got tired of waiting around for him so I decided to take the bull by the horn.

There I was in my stunning red bandage dress I just bought, a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in the other looking at the man I loved tangled between the sheets with my best friend. After I shed my first tear of heartbreak, her words made sense to me ‘you’ve never felt pain until you’ve felt love’. She was right, I felt my heart shatter in pieces like the glasses had at my feet.

From that moment, pain was all I associated with love. I never wanted to feel it ever again.

Just like you.

You wake up some days amidst the circumstances that surround you and wonder if the impact of a car would hurt a little less. I know you feel like nothing’s going to work out, your faith is trembling. You feel like you’re crying out for help and no one seems to hear, even when they do, they wonder why you don’t feel as happy about life as they do. I know you’re drowning in your thoughts and praying for a way to stay afloat. I know the future frightens you and you’re not sure you want to keep considering your options because it seems to set you even farther back. You wish your loved ones could read your mind and help without having to ask you a million questions because the more you talk about how you feel, the more your soul cries. You’re not sure if you can go on because with every step you take, you watch your world crumble around you. You feel yourself losing grip while your life spirals out of control. You just want to get back to a place you used to know, feel a certain kind of peace you’re well accustomed to. I understand how you feel, I am just like you.

That unexplainable pain of goodbyes, the kind you never want to feel when you turn and walk away from your loved ones. What’s really the cause? Fear of uncertainty perhaps? Thought of what tomorrow holds…

A note to Her.

Stop making excuses for unrequited love. Yes, it’s really difficult not being loved like you should be. You keep hoping for the best regardless because you’re so in love with a person and who you believe they can be but the truth is you should learn to let go and not hurt yourself because of the love you have for another. If you love that hard, then just decide to love from a distance. It hurts a lot less. He won’t be able to love you until he makes a conscious decision to do so. Don’t inflict pain on yourself because you feel tomorrow will be better. Save your own little heart. 

Love yourself, honey. 

 

Her.

Ever met an amazing woman? 

A woman that made you want to be better,
Showed you how to be better,
Talked to you like a sister,
Listened when no one else would,
Corrected you when no one else could,
Loved you like a mother should,
Smiled like her problems didn’t exist,
Looked upon you like an angel.
Have you ever? 
I have.
Then, I lost her.
Lost her to the wickedness of the world.
With no last words
Nothing.
She’s gone now.
I’d never forget her even if I tried.
She made a mark in my life.
Forever an angel.
 
(RIP Miss Tari Spiff) 

 

 

Voices.

When the lights go out and noises fade,

I’m left with the voices in my head I’ve been trying to fight all day

Now, they’re too loud to fight,
Too clear to ignore.
I’ve lost the battle.
I listen clearly only to realise they’re all I’ve actually needed
All I hear is the hurt and the pain
The happy moments have been overshadowed 
Maybe cause they were forced
Maybe cause they were a lie
Perhaps, a shadow cast on reality 
Regardless, I’m glad I listened.
I learnt to let go of the pain.