I feel really grateful for the people I’ve chosen to do life with. Every connection is intentional. Intentionality is a part of all aspects of my life. I’m never just going with the flow–this of course is a blessing and a curse. But, these souls I’ve aligned myself with are exactly who I want(need) to journey with.
I’m grateful for space–to be and become. Space to fall apart and reassemble, to question and be certain, to learn and unlearn, to speak up and hold back. I’m thankful for the spaces I’ve created for myself and the ones that have been created on my behalf. Because life can be both simple and tasking, I struggle to hold my head high at all times. I’m learning to accept the spaces that have been created for me to fall apart.
As a person, I struggle with asking for and accepting assistance. But life is funny because it has steered me to a place where assistance is paramount for my survival and I continue to do the daily dance of tug of war. I believe I must learn the lessons of this chapter to thrive in the next but I refuse to believe that I’m being tested because I am strong. I refuse to believe that my willingness to keep going is the reason why the hailstorm won’t cease.
I continue to push forward, eager to see how this story ends and holding on to those I want on the other side of the chaos.
Up, watching you sleep
You’re here, I’m home
I’ve yearned to feel
the warmth of your skin
The sun, rising and
Creeping through the glass
Your skin, golden and brown
A kiss on your forehead and
You hold me closer
You’re here, You’re home
Today, I am 23.
Wow. At 13, I always wanted to be 23. I knew exactly where I’d be and what I would have accomplished. God had other plans. I think he was laughing when I was trying to write my own destiny. We do that a lot, you know? Create expectations and think we can meet them all, specifically and not a second late. Sometimes, we project those expectations on the people around us without understanding they’re human and permitting them to be just that. Human. Just like I’ve fallen short of the expectations my 13-year-old self had, the people around me will fall short of the expectations I have of them sometimes and I’m learning to be ok with that.
In class last week, I learned that people don’t expect much from their friends and their friendships rarely go beyond surface level. I’m not one of those people. I thrive on the depth of my friendships. I have very few friends but, they’re family and they mean a lot to me.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not doing enough. Not being enough. Not being a good enough friend. I know Maya isn’t mad at me but I should call her more. I should reach out more. The depth of our friendship doesn’t require that but I do. I just feel like there isn’t enough time in the day and my sanity is constantly being tested. At 13, I wasn’t aware of how difficult life could get. I wasn’t aware that I could feel like I’m drowning in challenges.
In my thoughts. In uncertainty. In sadness. In disappointment.
Love gives me shelter though. Baby’s love. He’s my anchor. He keeps me stable in this hurricane of a life.
(I pray peace encompasses the hearts of those that have lost love and stability in the last few weeks)
Nikky. Ijay. Serena. I love my sisters. I’m always willing to go to battle for them. Most times I feel like I’m not doing enough. Our worlds have been turned upside down and I can’t do anything to protect them from it. It hurts. A lot.
I’m 23 today. Not 13. I’m where I should be and that’s ok.
x C. Allison
I have waited
I have prayed
I have searched within the wrong people hoping to find
I have you
I have your love
I have your tender affection
I have your unwavering support
I have a hard time coming to terms with the reality of you
I have everything I’ve always wanted and,
I have a smile I thought I would never find
Because, you, my darling, are everything I’ve always yearned for.
Thank you for teaching me unconditional love
Through you, I learned that love is a lot more than how a person is
or how happy they are
or what makes them tick
or what they look like
Love is a feeling of content when souls connect
I’m very content with your soul
I love it unconditionally
I love you unconditionally
For a long time, I was fighting for a seat at the table of a familiar stranger’s life
I crawled, I scratched, I begged, just to be seen
Just to be worthy
I was working overtime to prove myself
Because, they told me,
‘You have to fight for love, darling’
But when the right love walks in the door, you wouldn’t have to fight
Your only responsibility would be to open your arms, embrace it and keep it safe
All my life, love hurt
So, I began to measure love with pain
The more it hurt, the more certain I was it was real
Then you walked in
Calm, free of pain, offering love
I couldn’t understand how that was possible
In the spirit of trying new things, I let you in
I let you teach me what love really was
With every lesson,
I wonder how I lived without it for so long
He takes everything you have to give,
Leaves you empty,
But at every turn,
He has you asking for more.
More time, more attention,
More dedication, more prioritizing,
More listening, more love.
That’s the most exhausting thing about a selfish lover.
Love shouldn’t leave you empty enough to always beg for more,
It gives more than enough.
Stop fooling yourself.
He always has an excuse for not being there for you,
Simply because he doesn’t care enough to.
When a person cares, they make you a priority.
Last week, I had a sudden realization that I have willingly allowed people to starve me of unwavering support. I’ve had people claim they love me and have my back but when I win, they never clap. When I win, they pinpoint why it wasn’t good enough or how much better it could have been.
Last week, I felt genuine happiness when my best friend won. I screamed at the top of my lungs because I was proud and our prayers had been answered. For days after that, I couldn’t stop smiling because I felt unexplainable joy for a win that wasn’t even mine.
Last week, I learned that true friendship claps when you win. True friendship supports your dreams, holds your hand in prayer until you accomplish your goals and continues to push you to attain even more.
Last week, I learned that if a person claims to love and support me but offers me any less, I should walk away.