You really never know how sad a person is. Our exposed selves only account for highlights of our passions and moments in time when we forget how hard getting out of bed was. I understand that it would be weird to share every moment we cry and every thought that chips at our emotional/mental health but how do we find the balance? Is there in fact a balance? A place where we’re both vulnerable enough to expose our sadness and vulnerable enough to accept/expose the moments we feel a little less sad.
I have been thinking a lot about the strength that lies within vulnerability but I think this is the most I have ever struggled with being vulnerable. I’m currently completely terrified of exposure. Isolation is my comfort zone. It has been for as long as I can remember but now, I’m isolating myself from my loved ones. I think maybe their love might magnify the cracks in my soul. The cracks that now house my relentless pain and chaos.
Unworthy. Incapable. Insignificant. Incompetent. Undeserving. Underserving. They ring and form a ring in my head.
(give yourself a little time to work through your thoughts. I will do the same.)
Hey, it’s been a minute!
Woke up today feeling a little low. Lately that has been a norm but there’s something about today – a little extra discomfort and uneasiness. I figured I should share that because someone out there could be experiencing these emotional waves like I am.
Some days, it’s a little more than waves. I face the constant internal battle with self – the awareness that I’m more sad than others vs. my willingness to choose happiness every day. I give myself a pass because not a lot of people can face the trials I have faced (and currently facing) and muster the courage to get up every day, challenging everything inside to get shit done.
Lately, it’s been harder. I think it gets harder by the second. I feel a little less with each passing day, which I know cannot be a good thing because this numbness approaching will not yield healthy results.
It’s been harder to share, talk, express but today, I said there’s something different about today – relief or emotional breakdown – it led pen to paper and I’m here. If you’re here with me, wherever this is, I hope we make it out. I hope we tell tales of these times standing tall with a smile knowing we crawled out, fingernails scraping, bleeding and crying. These battles within and without, I hope we win.
You’re exactly where you need to be
It’s perfectly fine that you don’t have it all figured out.
You see this life thing, no one’s really sure how to properly ‘do it’
Just try not to ‘do it’ alone.
In the end, you’ll be fine.
You’re guarded? I am too.
We need to be careful though. Building walls, trying so hard to protect ourselves. Guarding our hearts, scared of letting anyone too close. Avoiding getting our hearts shattered again? We’ve been hurt, we know what ‘broken’ feels like so we’re just making sure we keep all the pieces together.
Maybe we’re hurting ourselves. Locking out all the people we really need, you know the ones that only care about making sure we don’t hurt again?
That’s the thing about guarded people like us, we never believe anyone is genuine enough to just care about our well-being. Maybe because the people that swore they did at some point, found a way to walk away eventually. We’re constantly over-analyzing, over-thinking, trying so hard to read into the most irrelevant things. But as long as humans remain human, someone will eventually let us down somewhere along this journey of life.
Dee: Do you think everyone has one soulmate?
Me: No, I don’t.
I don’t think there’s such a thing as a soulmate. Of course, certain souls gravitate towards each other and there’s undeniable chemistry but it’s understandable if someone experiences that only once in a lifetime and that forces them to believe there’s only one soulmate out there for them.
Personally, I think you do yourself a huge disservice thinking that. There are so many amazing souls out there to connect with but we’re either too guarded or too in our own heads to discover that.
I also think there are different kinds of soulmates. Not just that person you fall head over heels in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with. You have those people that keep you in awe of how well your minds connect and how easily you accept each other. It’s important to acknowledge the difference and respect it.
We’re all different. Just like our faces are different, so are our callings. People need to stop getting things confused and trying to follow other people’s life paths. We’re all struggling to find our place in the world but can we try doing just that? Finding our own place. A place where we’re genuinely comfortable and confident in who we are, a place where we have next to no regrets and happiness is exactly what we’ve made it.
Can we try to understand ourselves before looking to other people to explain to us who we really are and what we’re really made of? Can we try following our own dreams and strive to accomplish our own goals? Can we try speaking our own truth and not be influenced by society’s unwritten standards?
Life used to be so easy, it all seemed perfect. There was really no need to overthink or over analyze because everything just seemed to work out. Those were the days when growing up seemed to be the most exciting thing. I remember looking up to the adults around me because I thought they had it all figured out, I thought they were living in the moment I always dreamed about. They seemed to be living a life with no boundaries, they seemed to have all the freedom I craved.
Now, I feel like I’m in that moment and it’s nothing like my 10 year old self perceived it to be. I wish I had a little more time to prepare for exactly what the life of a young adult entails. Why didn’t anyone talk about the more important aspects of adulthood that made it a lot less enticing like friends betraying you, your heart breaking one too many times, the bumps in the road, doors that could shut in your face, and everything else that could cause you to overthink and stress?
When did life stop being so simple? Do we need those boundaries to exist within the walls of simplicity? Is complication the price of freedom?
You get to crossroads in life and you need to make a conscious decision to live for yourself and stop craving the validation of others. You need to ask yourself ‘What happens when this person isn’t in my life anymore?’ What would you do with the life choices you made trying to keep that person happy? Nothing. You’re stuck with them. They become your own problem because you didn’t make them for yourself. It’s really scary but it doesn’t have to be. Live for yourself. Not asking you to be self-centered but sometimes, you need to love yourself enough to put yourself first and make decisions you can stand behind in the long run because the people that really love and care about you will always be there, they won’t judge you, they’d support you and your life choices because your happiness is more important to them than what society thinks.