Promise and pain.


You’re no longer the calm,
You’re no longer the reason she smiles,
You’re starting to cause unbearable pain,
You promised you’d never hurt her,
Now, everyday she wakes up without a smile.
You can tell she’s hurting but you continue to tug at her heart,
You’re smiling through her pain,
I hope whatever joy you’re deriving from this is comparable to the amount of love she has for you.
Yes, she cries at night.
Yet, she’s loving you through the pain.
You’re so wrapped up in yourself,
You can’t feel her slipping away.

You are…


You’re not hurt
You’re just angry you trusted him again
You’re angry you let your heart get to a place of vulnerability
You’re angry you started holding on to nothing
Depending on his presence even if he wasn’t yours
You wish there was a way to shut off your heart but it’s a little more complicated than that
Just breathe,
It’ll pass.
You’ve felt this emotion before
You know it doesn’t last forever
Just remember holding on to nothing is never a good way to support yourself.

That kind of love.

We all want that type of love that awakens different parts of our being. The type that lets us be exactly who we are and doesn’t judge us. The kind that reminds us of our strengths without criticizing us. The kind that doesn’t disappear when we’re down and does everything to make sure we don’t hurt alone. The kind that heals our scars and works overtime to ensure we don’t get cut again. That kind of love is patient, kind and understanding. 

Sometimes you find that and somehow it slips away.

Guarded.

You’re guarded? I am too.
We need to be careful though. Building walls, trying so hard to protect ourselves. Guarding our hearts, scared of letting anyone too close. Avoiding getting our hearts shattered again? We’ve been hurt, we know what ‘broken’ feels like so we’re just making sure we keep all the pieces together.
Maybe we’re hurting ourselves. Locking out all the people we really need, you know the ones that only care about making sure we don’t hurt again?
That’s the thing about guarded people like us, we never believe anyone is genuine enough to just care about our well-being. Maybe because the people that swore they did at some point, found a way to walk away eventually. We’re constantly over-analyzing, over-thinking, trying so hard to read into the most irrelevant things. But as long as humans remain human, someone will eventually let us down somewhere along this journey of life.

Selfish Love.

There’s a fine line between wanting to be with someone and not being able to stomach them being with someone else.
Are you really in love with her or is the idea of her in his arms sickening? We need to ask ourselves this and stop forcing our hearts to feel love that’s already lost. Of course, it’ll hurt but it’ll hurt more if you’re holding on out of pride, selfishness and jealousy.
Let things naturally unravel. Maybe it’ll work out someday. Maybe it won’t and it’s the end of the road. Learn to be ok with that. Your heart will thank you later.

Time Heals.

Life breaks us down sometimes and as difficult as that is, we try to convince ourselves we can completely love again with those broken pieces. It’s almost impossible. Time heals and in order to give someone the kind of love they deserve, we need that time. We need to heal, we need to get ourselves to a place where we can selflessly give and hold nothing back. Only pain and the fear of falling back down can cause us to withhold parts of our love.

I’ve learnt that you need to be ready for love. Not to receive it-because the task is not in the receiving-but to give it. To give all you have to give to a deserving heart.

Looking into the eyes of someone you love and making them believe you don’t care just because you’re broken and you don’t want to admit you need fixing before you can completely embrace the love they have to offer without second guessing their intentions is the worst feeling.

Give yourself that time. Nothing hurts more than trying to pull love out of the cracks of a broken heart.

The first tear I shed.

She said to me ‘you’ve never felt pain until you’ve felt love’. She was my best friend, I loved her but she never caused me pain so I thought it was one of her drunken quotes.

Walking through the grocery store as I always did on wednesdays after my media class, searching for ingredients to take home with me to my only love, my kitchen, there he was. Tall, caramel perfection that I had always imagined I’d never find if I remained in love with culinary adventures but there he was, arm stretched out, introducing himself but I was too carried away by my inability to believe the moment. Then I heard “Hi? I said I’m William, you are?” I looked up to the vivid ray of sunlight that were his eyes and said “Oh my god, I’m sorry. Hi, I’m Allison” That was the handshake that changed my journal entries and the way I viewed the world. From that moment, we were inseparable.

Months passed and we fell deeper in love, craving each other whenever we were apart. We loved the same meals, listened to the same artistes, enjoyed to appreciate nature, approached problems similarly. We claimed to love the ease of our relationship because there was barely anything to argue over. It was smooth sailing, maybe too smooth.

It was time to ‘meet the parents’. Of course, I was a bit anxious. I could tell from the way he talked about his family that their love for each other was undeniable. Daisy was the first person I ran to ranting about how I felt. She was my best friend, she didn’t have a choice but to listen and make me feel better about myself. She told me how much William loved me and there was no way his parents would feel otherwise. I believed her and that was exactly how the dinner went. They loved me and I too, them.

Months passed and this amazing bond loosened, I hardly saw William. He was either too busy travelling or too consumed in work. I loved him enough to believe him and be patient.

There’s only so far your patience can take you. I got tired of waiting around for him so I decided to take the bull by the horn.

There I was in my stunning red bandage dress I just bought, a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in the other looking at the man I loved tangled between the sheets with my best friend. After I shed my first tear of heartbreak, her words made sense to me ‘you’ve never felt pain until you’ve felt love’. She was right, I felt my heart shatter in pieces like the glasses had at my feet.

From that moment, pain was all I associated with love. I never wanted to feel it ever again.