You’re not his.

You’re not his.
You’re the one he proclaims his love to while you lay on your back.
You’re the one that encourages him because only you can.
You’re the one he lets cry on his shoulders.
You’re the one he opens up to because you bring him peace.
You’re the one he avoids making eye contact with in public places.
You’re the one he avoids any physical contact with when the blinds are open.
You’re everything and more to him behind closed doors.
You’re not his.

The first tear I shed.

She said to me ‘you’ve never felt pain until you’ve felt love’. She was my best friend, I loved her but she never caused me pain so I thought it was one of her drunken quotes.

Walking through the grocery store as I always did on wednesdays after my media class, searching for ingredients to take home with me to my only love, my kitchen, there he was. Tall, caramel perfection that I had always imagined I’d never find if I remained in love with culinary adventures but there he was, arm stretched out, introducing himself but I was too carried away by my inability to believe the moment. Then I heard “Hi? I said I’m William, you are?” I looked up to the vivid ray of sunlight that were his eyes and said “Oh my god, I’m sorry. Hi, I’m Allison” That was the handshake that changed my journal entries and the way I viewed the world. From that moment, we were inseparable.

Months passed and we fell deeper in love, craving each other whenever we were apart. We loved the same meals, listened to the same artistes, enjoyed to appreciate nature, approached problems similarly. We claimed to love the ease of our relationship because there was barely anything to argue over. It was smooth sailing, maybe too smooth.

It was time to ‘meet the parents’. Of course, I was a bit anxious. I could tell from the way he talked about his family that their love for each other was undeniable. Daisy was the first person I ran to ranting about how I felt. She was my best friend, she didn’t have a choice but to listen and make me feel better about myself. She told me how much William loved me and there was no way his parents would feel otherwise. I believed her and that was exactly how the dinner went. They loved me and I too, them.

Months passed and this amazing bond loosened, I hardly saw William. He was either too busy travelling or too consumed in work. I loved him enough to believe him and be patient.

There’s only so far your patience can take you. I got tired of waiting around for him so I decided to take the bull by the horn.

There I was in my stunning red bandage dress I just bought, a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in the other looking at the man I loved tangled between the sheets with my best friend. After I shed my first tear of heartbreak, her words made sense to me ‘you’ve never felt pain until you’ve felt love’. She was right, I felt my heart shatter in pieces like the glasses had at my feet.

From that moment, pain was all I associated with love. I never wanted to feel it ever again.