Hey, it’s been a minute!
Woke up today feeling a little low. Lately that has been a norm but there’s something about today – a little extra discomfort and uneasiness. I figured I should share that because someone out there could be experiencing these emotional waves like I am.
Some days, it’s a little more than waves. I face the constant internal battle with self – the awareness that I’m more sad than others vs. my willingness to choose happiness every day. I give myself a pass because not a lot of people can face the trials I have faced (and currently facing) and muster the courage to get up every day, challenging everything inside to get shit done.
Lately, it’s been harder. I think it gets harder by the second. I feel a little less with each passing day, which I know cannot be a good thing because this numbness approaching will not yield healthy results.
It’s been harder to share, talk, express but today, I said there’s something different about today – relief or emotional breakdown – it led pen to paper and I’m here. If you’re here with me, wherever this is, I hope we make it out. I hope we tell tales of these times standing tall with a smile knowing we crawled out, fingernails scraping, bleeding and crying. These battles within and without, I hope we win.
Love has left yet another scar,
I’m still unsure of why I let it in every time when I know how it ends.
Amidst the uncertainty, I’m certain it’s not meant to scar.
Something inside of me still lets me believe in it.
From you, I learned.
I learned that to the wrong person, you’ll never be good enough.
I learned that not everyone has a heart as big as mine and that’s ok.
I learned that words mean nothing when they’re not backed up by actions.
I learned that loving a selfish person can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.
I learned that being taken for granted has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.
I learned that I have to be my own support system.
I learned there’s really a thin line between love and hate.
I learned to love myself enough.
When loneliness shows up,
It knocks on the void in my heart.
One that was once filled with the warmth of love,
And the peace that companionship brings.
I long to fill that void.
If not with love, with a feeling that equates to it
Because the longer it stays,
Hatred and resentment take over.
Are you really in love?
Or is the idea of wasting the time invested keeping you?
It’s not impossible to have what you want,
He shouldn’t convince you that you’re asking for too much,
Don’t deny your heart the love it deserves
Just because the person you love is incapable of providing it.
The idea of me and you
Gets people intrigued.
Our reality however,
An unexplainable disaster.
The watered down conversations,
The lies and excuses,
The generic answers to mask the absence of your mind,
Made walking away painfully easy.
When selfless meets selfish
There is tugging of heart strings
There is no compromise
In the end, love isn’t enough
Unity is impossible where selfishness exists.
I see you trying,
I know you want to fight to keep this.
Be careful not to hurt yourself.
Sometimes, you’re the only broken one after the battle.
Don’t drown trying to keep another person afloat,
Your feelings matter too.
Trust them, don’t push them aside.
I hope you’re stronger from this.