Love yourself, darling.
You’re scared of change. He might be too. Maybe that’s why you both keep trying to find comfort in the same arms that crushed your hearts. Kissing the lips that parted and voiced the words that made you feel small. Remember when you both hurt each other? Are you trying to heal this time or are you both just waiting for another imperfect moment to break yourselves?
I know you feel the difference. Your heart doesn’t race the same, the butterflies don’t feel the same, it’s a little more stifling. You’re constantly reminding yourself not to feel too much because he might be gone soon. You know the part when he walks out the door again is inevitable. He’s never really yours to keep. Has he ever been?
You’re so addicted to the chaos and emotional uncertainty that you consciously hurt yourself repeatedly. You believe you’ve found beauty amidst the chaos. It’s hard but you’ve convinced yourself it’s easier than getting used to new butterflies in your tummy or the heartbeat the love of another could awaken.
Life breaks us down sometimes and as difficult as that is, we try to convince ourselves we can completely love again with those broken pieces. It’s almost impossible. Time heals and in order to give someone the kind of love they deserve, we need that time. We need to heal, we need to get ourselves to a place where we can selflessly give and hold nothing back. Only pain and the fear of falling back down can cause us to withhold parts of our love.
I’ve learnt that you need to be ready for love. Not to receive it-because the task is not in the receiving-but to give it. To give all you have to give to a deserving heart.
Looking into the eyes of someone you love and making them believe you don’t care just because you’re broken and you don’t want to admit you need fixing before you can completely embrace the love they have to offer without second guessing their intentions is the worst feeling.
Give yourself that time. Nothing hurts more than trying to pull love out of the cracks of a broken heart.