I feel really grateful for the people I’ve chosen to do life with. Every connection is intentional. Intentionality is a part of all aspects of my life. I’m never just going with the flow–this of course is a blessing and a curse. But, these souls I’ve aligned myself with are exactly who I want(need) to journey with.
I’m grateful for space–to be and become. Space to fall apart and reassemble, to question and be certain, to learn and unlearn, to speak up and hold back. I’m thankful for the spaces I’ve created for myself and the ones that have been created on my behalf. Because life can be both simple and tasking, I struggle to hold my head high at all times. I’m learning to accept the spaces that have been created for me to fall apart.
As a person, I struggle with asking for and accepting assistance. But life is funny because it has steered me to a place where assistance is paramount for my survival and I continue to do the daily dance of tug of war. I believe I must learn the lessons of this chapter to thrive in the next but I refuse to believe that I’m being tested because I am strong. I refuse to believe that my willingness to keep going is the reason why the hailstorm won’t cease.
I continue to push forward, eager to see how this story ends and holding on to those I want on the other side of the chaos.
Today, I am 23.
Wow. At 13, I always wanted to be 23. I knew exactly where I’d be and what I would have accomplished. God had other plans. I think he was laughing when I was trying to write my own destiny. We do that a lot, you know? Create expectations and think we can meet them all, specifically and not a second late. Sometimes, we project those expectations on the people around us without understanding they’re human and permitting them to be just that. Human. Just like I’ve fallen short of the expectations my 13-year-old self had, the people around me will fall short of the expectations I have of them sometimes and I’m learning to be ok with that.
In class last week, I learned that people don’t expect much from their friends and their friendships rarely go beyond surface level. I’m not one of those people. I thrive on the depth of my friendships. I have very few friends but, they’re family and they mean a lot to me.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not doing enough. Not being enough. Not being a good enough friend. I know Maya isn’t mad at me but I should call her more. I should reach out more. The depth of our friendship doesn’t require that but I do. I just feel like there isn’t enough time in the day and my sanity is constantly being tested. At 13, I wasn’t aware of how difficult life could get. I wasn’t aware that I could feel like I’m drowning in challenges.
In my thoughts. In uncertainty. In sadness. In disappointment.
Love gives me shelter though. Baby’s love. He’s my anchor. He keeps me stable in this hurricane of a life.
(I pray peace encompasses the hearts of those that have lost love and stability in the last few weeks)
Nikky. Ijay. Serena. I love my sisters. I’m always willing to go to battle for them. Most times I feel like I’m not doing enough. Our worlds have been turned upside down and I can’t do anything to protect them from it. It hurts. A lot.
I’m 23 today. Not 13. I’m where I should be and that’s ok.
x C. Allison
They shouldn’t push you to believe you’re crazy. They don’t know where you’ve been. They haven’t walked in your shoes so they can’t even begin to comprehend your struggle or the complexity of your mind. You’re more than the smile on your face today, I know. You’re more than the calmness you seem to bring into situations now, I know. Your story is a lot deeper than that. You don’t show them your scars so they think you don’t have any. You don’t cry anymore so they think you’ve never shed a tear. You’re healed now so they believe you’ve never been hurt. It’s so difficult to get them to understand the kind of strength it took to crawl out of the hole of depression that was your past.
You know where you’re coming from and you see your growth. Don’t let them make light of it.
I acknowledge your strength. It’ll only get better from here.
That unattainable perfection we constantly crave might be the cause of the problem. We all want something good, something real but I think we sometimes forget that good things take time. No one comes prepackaged with all the elements that make them ‘it’. It’s so hard to click with people in the world we live in now so if you connect with someone, embrace it. Don’t push them away because they have flaws. We all do. We might be too prideful to admit it but they remain flaws regardless.
All I’m saying is, no one’s perfect. We all need help to grow out of our flaws.
I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. Some of the people that claim they do are already breaking them because they felt they needed to schedule change in their lives at the beginning of the year. Maybe it wasn’t time for change, maybe they really weren’t ready to accommodate it, maybe they needed to fall a few more times to build the strength to see change through. Why do you need a new year to start off for you to realize the changes you need to make in your life? It’s never too early or late to make a change or a mistake. Don’t limit your growth. If you wake up in the middle of the year with the urge to make a right turn, then do that. It could be a mistake but you can take responsibility for it cause it’s your decision but when you let the world tell you you need resolutions on the 1st of January then you rob yourself of the ‘freedom of self’. Don’t be boxed in by the pressure to succumb to society’s timeline of change.
The fear of aging has forced me down memory lane. I’ve spent the last couple of days figuring out what life really is. After all the headaches and long nights, the truth is, life is short. Too short to even waste it thinking about the essence of living. I appreciate everyday I have because I’ve known people who didn’t get the chance to do the same. They fell off. Most of them not by their own doing but they fell off regardless. The people who loved them and they loved in return, moved on. I’m not an exception. That alone makes you wonder why you fight so hard to hold on to people that would eventually move on if you happen to fall off. Relationships are important, yes. Having people to love and care about is amazing but do you really need to lose yourself in the quest of holding on to them. I don’t think so. Live a life were you appreciate everyone for all they bring into your life and you’re able to reciprocate but bear in mind that it won’t last forever and when you get to the end of the road with a particular person or group of people, you have to be willing to accept change and growth. Be willing to let people go because maybe, just maybe their job has been completed in your life and you need new people to start playing new roles. We always fight to have our walls up but what’s really the point? What do we really gain from preventing ourselves from experiencing the amazing personalities the world’s trying to bring into our lives?
We’re all growing and evolving. Most times, it’ll steer us away from the norm we used to know. This growth will introduce us to a redefined version of ourselves and that’s great. We need to own it and follow the new path that’s right for us. It might cause a little pain and strain but that’s okay too. Eventually, everything will fall into place. We’re all unfinished puzzles even though we might hate to admit it. We don’t have it all figured out but time will mend us. There’s no doubt about that.
I’m over my fear of aging. I’m just looking forward to what the years ahead bring me and the angles they let me explore.
Ever wondered what your life’s really worth? Amidst all the struggles and dedication to achieve a better future. Do you lose yourself? Not sure what it really takes to stay grounded and keep your sanity but I believe I’m beginning to do a better job of both. My growth has gravitated me more towards self-development, aligning my dreams and thought process. I’ve come a long way from misguided emotions and drowning in resentment. I’ve grown. I’ve learnt.
Regarding to my life’s worth, I refer to the man in the mirror. I compete with myself to better me. Who else out there can be a better referral than you in bettering YOU?
Thoughts of a troubled mind.
Thoughts of mishap,
Thoughts of insecurity.
Am I good enough?
Am I strong enough?
Can I live on my own?
Can I grow on my own?
The easy way out cuts it every time.
The fear of rejection decides that.
Maybe my standards are too high,
I know I can’t reach those heights.
Yes, you can.
You’re good enough
You’re better than you know.
Look in the mirror and see that you.
It’s a constant battle within.
A battle the better me has won at last.