Hey, it’s been a minute!
Woke up today feeling a little low. Lately that has been a norm but there’s something about today – a little extra discomfort and uneasiness. I figured I should share that because someone out there could be experiencing these emotional waves like I am.
Some days, it’s a little more than waves. I face the constant internal battle with self – the awareness that I’m more sad than others vs. my willingness to choose happiness every day. I give myself a pass because not a lot of people can face the trials I have faced (and currently facing) and muster the courage to get up every day, challenging everything inside to get shit done.
Lately, it’s been harder. I think it gets harder by the second. I feel a little less with each passing day, which I know cannot be a good thing because this numbness approaching will not yield healthy results.
It’s been harder to share, talk, express but today, I said there’s something different about today – relief or emotional breakdown – it led pen to paper and I’m here. If you’re here with me, wherever this is, I hope we make it out. I hope we tell tales of these times standing tall with a smile knowing we crawled out, fingernails scraping, bleeding and crying. These battles within and without, I hope we win.
Thank you for teaching me unconditional love
Through you, I learned that love is a lot more than how a person is
or how happy they are
or what makes them tick
or what they look like
Love is a feeling of content when souls connect
I’m very content with your soul
I love it unconditionally
I love you unconditionally
For a long time, I was fighting for a seat at the table of a familiar stranger’s life
I crawled, I scratched, I begged, just to be seen
Just to be worthy
I was working overtime to prove myself
Because, they told me,
‘You have to fight for love, darling’
But when the right love walks in the door, you wouldn’t have to fight
Your only responsibility would be to open your arms, embrace it and keep it safe
All my life, love hurt
So, I began to measure love with pain
The more it hurt, the more certain I was it was real
Then you walked in
Calm, free of pain, offering love
I couldn’t understand how that was possible
In the spirit of trying new things, I let you in
I let you teach me what love really was
With every lesson,
I wonder how I lived without it for so long
I see you trying,
I know you want to fight to keep this.
Be careful not to hurt yourself.
Sometimes, you’re the only broken one after the battle.
Don’t drown trying to keep another person afloat,
Your feelings matter too.
Trust them, don’t push them aside.
I hope you’re stronger from this.
Tell me when you’re not strong enough
Tell me when you want to let your guard down and need a shoulder to cry on
It’s ok that you’re not ok
It’s ok that you’re not strong today
There’s nothing wrong with feeling the pressure
I see beyond your tough exterior
I see beyond your broken smile
I know you’re going through it
I know you’re struggling to figure it out
You feel like you can do better and be better
I’ll hold your hand until all the dots connect
Trust in this unconditional love, please.
Life breaks us down sometimes and as difficult as that is, we try to convince ourselves we can completely love again with those broken pieces. It’s almost impossible. Time heals and in order to give someone the kind of love they deserve, we need that time. We need to heal, we need to get ourselves to a place where we can selflessly give and hold nothing back. Only pain and the fear of falling back down can cause us to withhold parts of our love.
I’ve learnt that you need to be ready for love. Not to receive it-because the task is not in the receiving-but to give it. To give all you have to give to a deserving heart.
Looking into the eyes of someone you love and making them believe you don’t care just because you’re broken and you don’t want to admit you need fixing before you can completely embrace the love they have to offer without second guessing their intentions is the worst feeling.
Give yourself that time. Nothing hurts more than trying to pull love out of the cracks of a broken heart.
Sometimes, life presents us with obstacles and having to voice all our little mixed feelings doesn’t really come easy. For me, that’s when I write. It’s been a year and I can’t believe it cause I didn’t think I’d last 2 months but I’m grateful. Grateful to have a platform where I can express myself and not be judged. Grateful to be able to get people to think, address their innermost thoughts that they always shield the world from, let them know they’re not crazy for having them and they’re certainly not alone. Grateful for everyone that believes in me. Means a lot. Hope to accomplish a lot more over the next year and years to come.
What’s the ideology behind greener pastures? What’s really the reason why people feel they have to change environments to get what they’re really searching for? Is it all in the mind? Maybe there’s more to it.
With business growth and success, I believe the environment you’re in can strongly affect you. This could be positive or negative. The negatives can push you to want to find greener pastures. As long as you’re making the right decisions and going in the right direction, that’s great.
When we step into the territory of relationships, it’s a different ball game. When certain people see you in a healthy relationship, they decide it’s time to play mind games. They’re so quick to tell you how much better they’d be as your partner and reasons why you should step out of your relationship. Honestly, no relationship is perfect. You’d have ups and downs but you need to understand that feelings don’t change because there’s a storm. If that happens, maybe they weren’t actually there in the first place. Everyone has demons and that person planting doubts in your mind might have greater demons than what you’re dealing with in your current relationship. Don’t be too quick to step out. You might be looking across from your lawn and imagine the grass is greener on the other side but don’t forget the price of mowing and watering the lawn. The devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. If you have someone that treats you right and is there for you when you need them, stay. We all have flaws, some more than others. Stick to what you know, maintain your lawn and your grass would get greener.