You wake up some days amidst the circumstances that surround you and wonder if the impact of a car would hurt a little less. I know you feel like nothing’s going to work out, your faith is trembling. You feel like you’re crying out for help and no one seems to hear, even when they do, they wonder why you don’t feel as happy about life as they do. I know you’re drowning in your thoughts and praying for a way to stay afloat. I know the future frightens you and you’re not sure you want to keep considering your options because it seems to set you even farther back. You wish your loved ones could read your mind and help without having to ask you a million questions because the more you talk about how you feel, the more your soul cries. You’re not sure if you can go on because with every step you take, you watch your world crumble around you. You feel yourself losing grip while your life spirals out of control. You just want to get back to a place you used to know, feel a certain kind of peace you’re well accustomed to. I understand how you feel, I am just like you.
I’m well accustomed to that feeling. I grew up learning every aspect of it. Fear to express who you really are and where you really want to get in life. Fear of letting down the people that love and care about you. Fear of being the ‘black sheep’. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of rejection. You put me in all these boxes and as the years went by, they became smaller and smaller. Now, I’m trapped in them and can’t find my way out. I wish I wasn’t so scared but I am. I’m scared of YOU. I’m scared I can’t be who you want me to be but I can’t express this to you because of the fear of letting you down. I’m scared the path I really want to tread isn’t good enough for you. I’m tired of following dreams that look good on paper because that’s what you feel is right for me. It’s frustrating me. You wouldn’t know because you expect my life to be a bed of roses because I’m following the ‘right path’. You’ve boxed me in and now, I can’t stand to face another day of living in fear.
Trapped in a box,
The walls start closing in on you,
Your mind tells you you can’t be good enough,
That’s when you panic and let the tears roll,
Too scared to be you,
Too scared to follow your own dreams,
Then, you realize the box is just fear,
You stay trapped regardless.
Fear already stole your dreams.
The fear of aging has forced me down memory lane. I’ve spent the last couple of days figuring out what life really is. After all the headaches and long nights, the truth is, life is short. Too short to even waste it thinking about the essence of living. I appreciate everyday I have because I’ve known people who didn’t get the chance to do the same. They fell off. Most of them not by their own doing but they fell off regardless. The people who loved them and they loved in return, moved on. I’m not an exception. That alone makes you wonder why you fight so hard to hold on to people that would eventually move on if you happen to fall off. Relationships are important, yes. Having people to love and care about is amazing but do you really need to lose yourself in the quest of holding on to them. I don’t think so. Live a life were you appreciate everyone for all they bring into your life and you’re able to reciprocate but bear in mind that it won’t last forever and when you get to the end of the road with a particular person or group of people, you have to be willing to accept change and growth. Be willing to let people go because maybe, just maybe their job has been completed in your life and you need new people to start playing new roles. We always fight to have our walls up but what’s really the point? What do we really gain from preventing ourselves from experiencing the amazing personalities the world’s trying to bring into our lives?
We’re all growing and evolving. Most times, it’ll steer us away from the norm we used to know. This growth will introduce us to a redefined version of ourselves and that’s great. We need to own it and follow the new path that’s right for us. It might cause a little pain and strain but that’s okay too. Eventually, everything will fall into place. We’re all unfinished puzzles even though we might hate to admit it. We don’t have it all figured out but time will mend us. There’s no doubt about that.
I’m over my fear of aging. I’m just looking forward to what the years ahead bring me and the angles they let me explore.
Another regular day. Crazy schedule, long hours, a little bit of this and that. I had plans for four to six hours later. Believe me I was doing me with no care in the world then I felt this sharp pain in my chest. I smiled and said “God’s got me”. I wasn’t shaken. It got worse, it hurt deeper, it burnt more. this excruciating pain wasn’t going anywhere. I believe I heard death knock on my door. I thought of my loved ones, the people that won’t be the same if I respond to that knock. With this thought, I closed my eyes and said a little prayer through tears. I wasn’t crying cause of the pain, I was crying cause I wasn’t ready and the devil thought he could bring me to a halt.