There’s so much beauty in the broken soul that is you
The way your brows twitch at the fear of accepting a compliment
The graceful way you struggle to fix yourself
The way your heart races when you lose control
The way you smile when you try to stop your heart from speaking
The way my heart completely accepts every piece of your puzzle
You wake up some days amidst the circumstances that surround you and wonder if the impact of a car would hurt a little less. I know you feel like nothing’s going to work out, your faith is trembling. You feel like you’re crying out for help and no one seems to hear, even when they do, they wonder why you don’t feel as happy about life as they do. I know you’re drowning in your thoughts and praying for a way to stay afloat. I know the future frightens you and you’re not sure you want to keep considering your options because it seems to set you even farther back. You wish your loved ones could read your mind and help without having to ask you a million questions because the more you talk about how you feel, the more your soul cries. You’re not sure if you can go on because with every step you take, you watch your world crumble around you. You feel yourself losing grip while your life spirals out of control. You just want to get back to a place you used to know, feel a certain kind of peace you’re well accustomed to. I understand how you feel, I am just like you.
You’re afraid of trust. The trust placed in your hands by the soul that opens up to you and depends on your words to stay strong and not give up. The trust you place in the hands of the person with the listening ears. You’re afraid that trust could be betrayed, maybe you’re not strong enough for that responsibility or that listening ear has an ulterior motive. You’re afraid you could be right or your mind might just be playing tricks on you.
You’re afraid to open up. As transparent as you’d like to be, you fear that transparency will cause people to take advantage of your weaknesses and you’d have no control over the pain that would cause. You only peel off a few layers because you find strength in the ones you’re holding back, the ones you believe give shelter to that part of your soul that’s the most fragile. You lock up because you believe pain can’t get in that way.
You’re afraid to love. You’re afraid to love yourself completely because you want to give someone else the opportunity to. You’re afraid to love another because you feel you love too hard and you’ll push them away or they’ll break you. Maybe they can’t stand the kind of love you bring or you can’t offer the kind of love they need. You’re afraid you don’t understand the word ‘love’ as much as you let yourself believe you do or maybe you just can’t handle it if you really begin to feel it.
You’re afraid to live. You’re afraid to let go of the past because it moulded you into who you are. You’re afraid to think of the future because you don’t want to be disappointed. In between juggling those, your biggest fear is really just living. Living in the moment, exploring the ‘now’, taking it in and appreciating it for all it really is.
Life’s thrown so much at me in the past couple of weeks. It’s difficult to really make anything of the circumstances I’ve found myself in but everything’s had me on a roller coaster of emotions. I’m hanging in there but I have to make decisions. Life changing decisions. I have to decide to take control of my own destiny. It’s not the easiest thing to decide to live for yourself, live out your own dreams and not what a governing party has laid out for you in their mind or the dreams you’ve grown up to believe you should follow.
Learning to stand on your own and chase your own dreams isn’t the easiest thing but it’ll be worth it in the end. We all claim to be independent but are we really? There’s a lot more to independence than we want to believe. Sometimes, we need to be opinionated- operative word being “sometimes“-. Being opinionated isn’t always the best thing cause you could come across as stuck up or pushy. Regardless, being a person with an opinion or a standing is really necessary in life.
The moments we forget about our struggles are the happiest ones. Don’t let your problems cast a shadow over your life. The findings of yesterday might be the reason why today is so blurry. Should you also let tomorrow go by the same way? The change you make today automatically changes the outcome of tomorrow. Does your future have any significance to you? Do you think so much about it that you can’t even understand your thoughts anymore? Maybe you’ll end up along the line of your thoughts. Maybe not. You’ll never understand God’s plan for you until you actually let him take control. He’s the author and finisher of our faith so why not let him take control? He’ll make a way obviously. All you have to do is believe. Never try to plan or go ahead of God. You’ll always take the wrong turn when you rely on your own understanding.