The chaos is important sometimes for change to happen. That little shake can bring realignment. It hurts when it happens but after a while, everything makes sense.
You’re scared of change. He might be too. Maybe that’s why you both keep trying to find comfort in the same arms that crushed your hearts. Kissing the lips that parted and voiced the words that made you feel small. Remember when you both hurt each other? Are you trying to heal this time or are you both just waiting for another imperfect moment to break yourselves?
I know you feel the difference. Your heart doesn’t race the same, the butterflies don’t feel the same, it’s a little more stifling. You’re constantly reminding yourself not to feel too much because he might be gone soon. You know the part when he walks out the door again is inevitable. He’s never really yours to keep. Has he ever been?
You’re so addicted to the chaos and emotional uncertainty that you consciously hurt yourself repeatedly. You believe you’ve found beauty amidst the chaos. It’s hard but you’ve convinced yourself it’s easier than getting used to new butterflies in your tummy or the heartbeat the love of another could awaken.