The change was soothing
I was grateful for a fresh start
Then it hit me,
The pain was familiar.
I’ve read this book before
I know exactly how the story ends
Constant bickering then we grow apart,
Forget the real reason why we started the journey
Hurtful comments and inconsiderate actions.
You promised love will never hurt again.
Again, you lied.
You’ve broken the heart I just pieced together.
Same hell, different demons.
The chaos is important sometimes for change to happen. That little shake can bring realignment. It hurts when it happens but after a while, everything makes sense.
I know you’re going through it right now but I need you to know the storm doesn’t last forever. You’ll make it out and you’ll appreciate the calm.
You’re scared of change. He might be too. Maybe that’s why you both keep trying to find comfort in the same arms that crushed your hearts. Kissing the lips that parted and voiced the words that made you feel small. Remember when you both hurt each other? Are you trying to heal this time or are you both just waiting for another imperfect moment to break yourselves?
I know you feel the difference. Your heart doesn’t race the same, the butterflies don’t feel the same, it’s a little more stifling. You’re constantly reminding yourself not to feel too much because he might be gone soon. You know the part when he walks out the door again is inevitable. He’s never really yours to keep. Has he ever been?
You’re so addicted to the chaos and emotional uncertainty that you consciously hurt yourself repeatedly. You believe you’ve found beauty amidst the chaos. It’s hard but you’ve convinced yourself it’s easier than getting used to new butterflies in your tummy or the heartbeat the love of another could awaken.
I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. Some of the people that claim they do are already breaking them because they felt they needed to schedule change in their lives at the beginning of the year. Maybe it wasn’t time for change, maybe they really weren’t ready to accommodate it, maybe they needed to fall a few more times to build the strength to see change through. Why do you need a new year to start off for you to realize the changes you need to make in your life? It’s never too early or late to make a change or a mistake. Don’t limit your growth. If you wake up in the middle of the year with the urge to make a right turn, then do that. It could be a mistake but you can take responsibility for it cause it’s your decision but when you let the world tell you you need resolutions on the 1st of January then you rob yourself of the ‘freedom of self’. Don’t be boxed in by the pressure to succumb to society’s timeline of change.
The fear of aging has forced me down memory lane. I’ve spent the last couple of days figuring out what life really is. After all the headaches and long nights, the truth is, life is short. Too short to even waste it thinking about the essence of living. I appreciate everyday I have because I’ve known people who didn’t get the chance to do the same. They fell off. Most of them not by their own doing but they fell off regardless. The people who loved them and they loved in return, moved on. I’m not an exception. That alone makes you wonder why you fight so hard to hold on to people that would eventually move on if you happen to fall off. Relationships are important, yes. Having people to love and care about is amazing but do you really need to lose yourself in the quest of holding on to them. I don’t think so. Live a life were you appreciate everyone for all they bring into your life and you’re able to reciprocate but bear in mind that it won’t last forever and when you get to the end of the road with a particular person or group of people, you have to be willing to accept change and growth. Be willing to let people go because maybe, just maybe their job has been completed in your life and you need new people to start playing new roles. We always fight to have our walls up but what’s really the point? What do we really gain from preventing ourselves from experiencing the amazing personalities the world’s trying to bring into our lives?
We’re all growing and evolving. Most times, it’ll steer us away from the norm we used to know. This growth will introduce us to a redefined version of ourselves and that’s great. We need to own it and follow the new path that’s right for us. It might cause a little pain and strain but that’s okay too. Eventually, everything will fall into place. We’re all unfinished puzzles even though we might hate to admit it. We don’t have it all figured out but time will mend us. There’s no doubt about that.
I’m over my fear of aging. I’m just looking forward to what the years ahead bring me and the angles they let me explore.
You look around and feel like the circumstances that surround you are the worst. You feel like the person beside you made it farther, wonder why you were left behind. Maybe they’re taking giant steps while you take baby steps. You imagine the worst and what could have been if maybe, you had better luck. If you were a little better or a little like the rest of them that started this journey with you. You feel your life’s standing still, that’s okay. Although, I’d advice you cross that thought out of your mind. Why? Well, let’s see… Do people stay on top forever? Do people at the bottom stay there forever? Is the first person to start a race always the first to reach the finish line? Exactly, No, no and no. It’s not how far but how well. Someone said to me, “You don’t learn anything from success but you learn a lot from failure“. I tried to fight it but that’s the truth. The years and periods you spend being at the top of the food chain don’t really teach you anything but the second you hit rock bottom, you reflect, research, rethink, refocus and in the end you realise who you really are and what path you really ought to follow. Not saying failure makes everyone better but if you maximise the opportunity, it’ll do more for you than success will ever do.
It’s not easy to grasp the second you fall but what you shouldn’t do is compare yourself to the next person cause you don’t know how long they’d keep running the race for or how many times they’ve fallen. People aren’t quick to highlight their shortcomings. You’re a unique individual. In the same vein, your destiny is unique. Find yourself and never let go. Chase that vision that’s being unveiled to you and watch yourself live your dream. Never give up as soon as defeat makes an appearance, that’s a sign of weakness and not strength. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Hang in there and work for change.