Today, I am 23.
Wow. At 13, I always wanted to be 23. I knew exactly where I’d be and what I would have accomplished. God had other plans. I think he was laughing when I was trying to write my own destiny. We do that a lot, you know? Create expectations and think we can meet them all, specifically and not a second late. Sometimes, we project those expectations on the people around us without understanding they’re human and permitting them to be just that. Human. Just like I’ve fallen short of the expectations my 13-year-old self had, the people around me will fall short of the expectations I have of them sometimes and I’m learning to be ok with that.
In class last week, I learned that people don’t expect much from their friends and their friendships rarely go beyond surface level. I’m not one of those people. I thrive on the depth of my friendships. I have very few friends but, they’re family and they mean a lot to me.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not doing enough. Not being enough. Not being a good enough friend. I know Maya isn’t mad at me but I should call her more. I should reach out more. The depth of our friendship doesn’t require that but I do. I just feel like there isn’t enough time in the day and my sanity is constantly being tested. At 13, I wasn’t aware of how difficult life could get. I wasn’t aware that I could feel like I’m drowning in challenges.
In my thoughts. In uncertainty. In sadness. In disappointment.
Love gives me shelter though. Baby’s love. He’s my anchor. He keeps me stable in this hurricane of a life.
(I pray peace encompasses the hearts of those that have lost love and stability in the last few weeks)
Nikky. Ijay. Serena. I love my sisters. I’m always willing to go to battle for them. Most times I feel like I’m not doing enough. Our worlds have been turned upside down and I can’t do anything to protect them from it. It hurts. A lot.
I’m 23 today. Not 13. I’m where I should be and that’s ok.
x C. Allison